College: University of South California ( USC )
Prompt: Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
A student may say it’s a prison, another may say it’s a place to learn. School is all about the learning. Students may think it’s a waste of time, however it’s not. Their parents care for their education and wants them to have a better future. I wouldn’t know anything about the world we live in without school. I wouldn’t know how this world started, how it changed over time, etc. Learning new things everyday helps you keep in mind that school isn’t such a bad place. Keeps me going from doing inappropriate things, learning what’s right and what’s wrong, and helping you to decide what is better for my future.
School teaches you a lot of things. It isn’t just learning ABC’s and 123’s. School allows my mind to explore. It teaches me to use my mind and my knowledge to improve my life. For example, english helps you fix your grammar when you’re trying to write an essay, or gives you better word choices along the way. Math helps you solve difficult problems just like in real life. You go through hard obstacles and try to find a solution along the way.
Education is really a big impact in my life. It leads me to a better future. It shows me how important to know all of the information you learn in school. It teaches you manners, how to be responsible for your own learning, it gives you options. Options to whether or not you want to be a successful person or an educated person. I can’t imagine someone living without an education. Like in the past, children had to work, trying to survive in the conditions that they had. I’m blessed to have a life where education is free. Where we learn to make better choices, going to school and learning the basics that I need to know in life before getting a job and helping my family.
I want to live a better life. Get a great job that can help me make a difference in myself. My dream is to become a pediatrician. Watching teachers help other students made me want to help others to, just not in a learning way, but to heal others and help them get better. Taking care of little kids are the best. I love little kids so much. School taught me to take care of myself, help others and just to be yourself. It also taught me to be a better person. Compare the person that I was before, High school really taught me well. I was just a normal girl, just trying to have fun. Slacking off in school then high school hit me. I now know that education is important in life. It’s teaching me a life lesson, to be that better person I want to be. To be the one that everyone likes.
Lex,
ReplyDeleteyour introduction is very interesting and it's a really good start.
Throughout the essay, try to incorporate more of your background and use it to explain what the prompt is really asking. Try to add a little more voice and ideas and try not to make it general because it's a personal essay as well as a college essay. You could also go deeper in your word choice. However, i think you should add a little more to this. Elaborate more and explain more about your prompt.
-Melissa Ponce
Okay.. now I can add on. :) Hmm.. this is a really good start actually. Like I said, put in more voice and add in a bit more personal things- like give a story about school, an important day at school, maybe it could be your first day at high school, anything at all. I see in your last paragraph that high school hit you. Try not to go into it, even tho it may be your conclusion. In the previous paragraphs, try adding in 'why high school changed your life or hit you somehow'. That'll keep the audiences' attention and not get them confused. Other than that, I like your idea of how school leads to a greater future and how in the last paragraph, you stated what you wanted to become and why. Good job. Can't wait to see your final! :)
ReplyDelete-Mel
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ReplyDeleteI like how you stated variety of things that helped back up why you thought that school was an important place by issuing how each subject benefited you and even how high school shaped you today. One thing you could do is give significant example such as an english paper that really taught me a good lesson or even how a point in history that you learned in class really helped you to understand life & change your perspective on things. Instead of listing how "math helps you solve problems" and how "english helps you fix your grammar". Your goal is to touch the reader and not to seem too boring almost to make him want to stop reading on. So to do that, I suggest you start with an eye catcher as an introduction by mentioning who you are as a person from your background to how you were raised growing up & as of in the present day. It is important to tell about your family relationship as well, instead of focusing all about school because sometimes your family does affect you behavior and achievements in school. Your introduction seems like it fits better as your conclusion, only because of the way it is written. It lists all the benefits of school, & your point of view on how you think of school. It is important to list what you want to achieve and also what you have already achieved including goals. I see that you mentioned what you want to be when you grow up in the conclusion, i think it fits best in your body. And again, I suggest that in the body of your essay, you should give significant examples on your opinion of school, because what you want to do is "show not tell" the reader the message you are trying to come across in your essay. Right now, you are off to a good start, but what you want to do is portray how it shaped your dreams and aspirations instead of listing what school is and how it is helpful. Overall, great start & I can't wait to see your final! Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteHi Lex,
ReplyDeleteI think Melissa has made a good point. Right now, the essay is quite general. She suggests describing a particular experience in school that has shaped you. Without specifics, the essay is more "tell" than "show." And "telling" weakens the essay and the writing.
Angelica's commentary is a bit confusing--Angelica, re-read the essay prompt and you'll see why Lex should not focus on family in this essay. Same thing with your comment at the end. Be sure that you know what the assignment is before commenting or you will confuse the writer.
Lex--watch the shift from person to person. Sometimes you use first person (I) and sometimes you use second (you)--very confusing. See me if you have questions on this.
mrs s